Dear Germany..

.. I confess to finding myself bewildered by your poor show last night. Where was your fluidity? Where was your stupendous attacking power? Mueller is clearly the pin that holds the whole team together - without his presence, you just fell apart. It was painful to watch you get your arse handed to you by a not-so-good Spain. They weren't that good either, but in the battle of who was worse, you won.

I know that you're more used to playing fast, attacking football, and Spain's slow and easy strategy was frustrating, at best. And stuck back into your half of the field for ages at a go was shite. 

Klose, my darling, you didn't shine at all. WTF man. You're sleeping on the couch tonight. 

Bah. 

 Bottom line is, 

you sucked last night.

Was it the octopus? 

If so, vengeance shall be miiiiineeeeeeeeeee *eats octopi in preparation for my German octopus meal*

Anyway, since the milk has already been gone and spilt, all there's left to say is

I still love you, so do your best and make us all proud! Third place is nothing to scoff at - look where all the other big guns are: AT HOME. You've done damn well throughout the whole competition, so do damn well in the battle for third!

Ich liebe dich! <3